Juxtapositions et al


I was lying in bed reading the biography of Sam Spiegel by Natasha Fraser-Cavasoni -- I've been switching back and forth from that one to the new biography of Ben Franklin and I realized that both men were very similar, in that they constantly re-invented themselves.

So my mind started wandering and I realized that we all do that. As adults, most of us aren't what we were as children. Maybe there are some traits that stay the same, but at almost any given period in time, we've (hopefully) changed or grown into a different direction.

Some of my friends have grown very far from their roots. Perhaps like a boomerang, they'll return to them. Think of all the hippies in the 70's. Most of them came from middle class households, and now they're back there. Usually with a vengeance--they've become more of a consumer than their parents, more concerned with material things than their forebears. It's funny, in a sad ironic way.

Me--I've definitely changed from who I was when I was small. There are times when I've thought that if I ever met my child-self, my teenage-self, or my college-self, I'd loathe me.

As a child I was frighteningly shy. It was painful to open my mouth and speak in public. One day, I was in fifth grade and as I looked at the blackboard, I realized that I couldn't see it. Instead of raising my hand or saying anything to my teacher, I would sneak up to the board and try to read it very quickly.

When I was a middle schooler I was a horrendous snob. It was a combination of environment and family. Oh yes, don't you hear echoes of that darn "nurture vs. nature" arguement? Yeah, that one always makes me laugh. It's as bad as what came first, the chicken or the egg? I'm now convinced that the entire debate is a bad joke to be played upon unsuspecting people. Sorta like an intellectual prank.

Getting back to middle schoolism -- in a very idiotic way I looked down my tiny nose at so many people and things. It's not until you're an adult that you realize that snobbery is (essentially)insecurity wrapped around in a velvet lined cloak. Why else would one person look askance at another person based on appearance, antecedence or fashion, if not to bolster one's ego?

Laughingly I realized what a little music snot I was when I saw "High Fidelity." I was a member of my college radio station, and like many people who are obsessed with music at that age, if you didn't know seminal and/or obscure bands, labels, sub-sub-sub-genres, you just weren't hipster enough to hang.

I'm watching the movie and I see Jack Black's character interacting with customers and oh! I just wanted to crawl under my seat and hide for, let's say
20 or 30 years. I mean, it's funny now, but damn, I must have been insufferable. What's worse is that there was an entire group of us doing the same thing. What egos we must have punctured, we were so pretentious. Now I can laugh but I think I'd bitchslap college-me.

However, I now understand why adults would give me a funny condescending look when I or my cronies would talk about MUSIC, ART, or anything that seemed to pop out of our mouths in capital letters...because they just knew that when grew up (and hopefully most of us did)that reality would smack us in the face and we'd finally learn that we know nothing at all.

That's the true beauty of life. Everyday is a blank page. Every single day you have a chance to learn something new about yourself, the world and life.

I really like that.