And now for something serious

I'm not usually serious here, or really anywhere for that matter. There's a lot of stuff that I keep locked away in my brain; not to be used for public consumption.

But, this is something that I decided that I wanted to share, to say out loud. Who knows, maybe it will help some one, some where...

I have BDD; that's Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's considered to be an outgrowth for people who have dealt with an eating disorder. It doesn't matter if you were bulimic, anorexic or anything that comes under the eating disorder umbrella, if you've struggled with it, there's a chance that you'll develop BDD. Not everyone who's had an eating disorder gets it, and I think, but I haven't done research on this, but I do think it's possible to have BDD without having to pass the prerequisite course. Having struggled with anorexia for years, I'm pretty much over it now, but I've got the side effect.

What is it? It's the inability to see oneself in a true light. A lot of people with BDD obsess over a particular body part; thighs, waist, hips. In their mind, the body part is grotesquely huge and out of proportion. It's another way to hate your body.

Me? I look in the mirror, acknowledge that it's me and that's just about it. For years I have stumbled around not knowing if I was pretty, ugly, coyote ugly (you gnaw your arm off in the middle of the night to escape), stunning or average. Had a dim idea of how I looked physically, but wasn't always sure.

It's like I've spent most of my life stumbling around in the dark. Now here's the weird part, it's fashion week, I'm up early stumbling around trying to get ready to go back to the tents and look at more clothes, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and not coordinated at all.

Tripping over 10,000 pairs of shoes that are strewn across my bedroom floor, I glance at the floor length mirror in my bedroom. I stop. I blink. I walk closer and look again.

For the first time ever, I recognize myself. For the first time I finally see what the rest of the world sees when they look at me.

I'm a freaking knockout.

And I have a pair of shoes and a rolodex that I stubbed my toe on to thank for that relevation.

Weird, huh?