The good, the bad....you figure it out

Tonight I'm attending an impromptu dinner party. The hair has been professionally blown out, the nails have been done and accessories have been bought.

Why is it that if you get your hair done it only takes a half hour? You do it yourself, it's over an hour and you've poked yourself in the eye repeatedly? Forget about doing your own nails- I can barely draw in between the lines.

Two of the party are interested in each other, I think the rest of us are just a buffer if things go south. I'm hoping that it all goes well.

So that's the good, fun and nice social news of the day.

Here's the bad, not so good, shitty news of the day.

I've just destroyed a nascent friendship with someone who I thought was rather cool. Perhaps a little obsessive- not in a good way- but funny and kindhearted.

What did I do? I blurted something out that I swore (to myself) that I would never tell her. Whoops doesn't even cover it. How about fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I think that's a bit better, but doesn't really hit the depths of idiocy that I plunged myself into last night. There's not a thing I can do to rectify it either.

Last night as the snow is flinging itself around us, fucking up our hair, making our maquillage look like Tammy Faye's, we stand in a street talking. Well, I'm being talked at anyway. When I try to explain myself, I realize that I'm not being listened to, then again, if someone is angry with you, they're not going to listen to you because they're boiling over with emotions.
I then say a few things;

"Do not ascribe any emotions that I'm not feeling to me."

"Why don't you just admit what's really going on."

"This is a no win situation, I'm going home."

And you know what, I am positive I sounded like a bitch. And you know what, when someone is telling you that you ought to be feeling X, or you did something because you were feeling guilty (which I wasn't), you get bitchy.

I can be a bitch, I've been called one, also arrogant and a few other choice things. Yup, I can be that. I can and am usually the one who will take that 3 am phone call, who will meet you in the pouring rain at the cafe to hold your hand while you spill your guts out. I am a lot of things.

What I'm not is a one dimensional paper doll. Just because I may say or do one thing, don't expect me to follow the party line. I follow my own.

Speaking of following my own road, one night not too long ago I'm having drinks with someone, who apropos to nothing, turns to me and says, "I can't read you." I smile and keep drinking.

Of course you can't read me. I have no idea what your agenda is, I have no idea why you are seeking out my friendship, I have no idea what you want from me. The days when I babbled my heart's desires to almost total strangers has long since passed. Much like purple eye shadow. It's great for 12 year olds and that's about it.

You have to remember that we each view reality, if that's what it is, through our own filters of experience and emotion. And according to the ex-friend I am filled with self-importance.

If self-importance is being comfortable in your own skin, of knowing your worth, if it's having a good sense of self-esteem, than I am self-important.

As for the friendship I wrecked, what can you do? I did something very stupid and nothing in the world will fix what I've done. The onus is on me. I take responsibility for my great and stupid acts.