Why haven't I been blogging? I've been mourning. Grieving for a loved one who died.

On May 17th, between the hours of 7 and 8 PM, at the New York City ASPCA Hospital I had to authorize the euthanization (read kill) my cat Sinatra.

Even now as I write this, I am in pain and crying. I watched the Doctor adminster the dosage that would take him away from the pain, away from life and away from me. This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

He was my best friend. For twelve years he shared my life; through all it's ups and downs. He lived with me when I was homeless, moved with me back to New York City. Made me laugh, kept my secrets, and showed me boundless love, he was my family.

The previous Saturday I brought him to the Vet--when you're cat is diabetic, you must have frequent visits. He had lost another pound and the Vet was concerned that he wasn't getting enough insulin. She wanted me to increase the dosage. I followed her directions and the next day, he became brittle I think is the only way to describe it. Lethargic, sad, quiet. I called emergency vets and followed their directions. Took him to one emergency vet where they told me he could be fixed up, only fork over $3000 immediately. When I explained that I didn't have that in my back pocket, the vet on call said I really should put him to sleep. I thought that Vets had compassion, that they went into medicine to save lives, no, they don't they're in it for a buck and it's the dollar bill not life they care about.

I won't go into the agont of writing about having to put him in ICU, not being able to see or comfort him, going home blinded by tears and hearing him meow at home, when he was in the Vets.

I am plagued by doubts of what I could have done or should have done. Am upset that I'm not filthy rich and could have saved him. I miss my sweet boy. I miss my Sinatra.

He was my world.