Odd thoughts rattling around my brain

Books, books, books...I can never seem to get enough of them. Almost four years ago I was an interim Editorial Assistant at Del Rey Books and took home between 15-21 books a day. That's right 15 to 21 FREE books a day. I still have books from there that I haven't read and yet I keep going out and buying more. It's as if I'm afraid of not having anything to read...Which when you think about it, it's silly...There are so many unread books in my house. I'm wondering if I'm stockpiling them sometimes.

This past weekend I went to visit Kate in Park Slope again. I'm getting pretty good at the commute. In her neighborhood is a used book store. I realize that a used book store doesn't seem like a big deal, but there aren't any in Manhattan. I've lived in quite a few states and there was always one or two in the town/city that I lived in. If there's any one drawback to living in NYC, it's that used book stores seem to be scarce. There is one, now that I think about it. But it's in the Financial District and they don't have a great selection. It's pretty hit or miss.

7th Avenue Books, Inc. on 300 7th Ave in Park Slope is a store not to be missed. They have everything. It's jammed floor to ceiling with books, tables overflowing with books, milk crates jammed with books. It's a junkies paradise. I told the owner that the store was pure evil as I forked over my credit card and he handed me a large shopping bag with books. I grabbed Terry Pratchet, a translation of Les Liaisons Dangerouses (I've only been looking for that for five years), And tons of other books; ranging from garbagey top sellers to "deep" books. I'm so glad the store isn't close to me, I'd be broke in a matter of days. Books! Bliss!

Vulnerable. I hate that word. I was thinking about writing something cute next to it, y'know like the definition, but that's been done. And what does it prove anyway except I'm a smartass (I think we've figured that one out by now).

Seriously, I'm terrified of being vulnerable. I'm great at hiding behind a laugh, a snarky funny comment, but letting myself be wide open, that gives me the shakes.

I think it's more than being vulnerable. It's the after effect of being vulnerable, the moment when you realize that you're open, nothing can protect you and you're teetering midway between two points. The points being bliss or hell.

There's nothing you can do once you open yourself up. Nope, after that fatal moment, it's the other person who can either slam you with poison darts or hold you.

The waiting for the following reaction is like sitting on glass.

Thing is, the followup can be in a nanosecond or it can be days, but the stretched too tight feeling, the beating yourself over the head feeling, the wondering if what was said was real or a lie is just plain agony.

Try distracting yourself, what a joke. I'll try not to think of various weird scenarios, and of course I come back to them. Just like when you tell someone not to think about the purple tap dancing elephant, you of course think about a purple tap dancing elephant.

Maybe that's why I am a fabulous dater. I can skate around anything emotional with out having to deal with it,. Bad first date? Solution-- no second date. Good first date, bad second date? Solution - don't date and make fun of poor misguided fool.

And then what happens when you meet someone who makes you laugh, who is a terrific kisser, is just an all around nice person? Hanging out with him is easy. There's none of that strange "this is a date" vibe, it just seems natural to hang out, laugh and enjoy oneself. What do you do? How about utter panic. Why? Oh for the sheer pleasure of it. Seriously, I feel like there's the sword of Damocles twirling over my head and I hate it. It's a time limit thing going on and there's not a thing I can do.

Do you try to cram a bunch of experiences in? Do you say fuck it and walk away? Do you bang your head against the monitor until there's blood on the screen?

This isn't a 25 minute sitcom where in between the commercial messages all's well that ends well. This is life and I may not be the first person to say it, and I'm not going to be the last, but sometimes it sucks.

Probably had one of the best rejection emails in my life today. In the email, the editor wrote, "Your clips were great, and I wish we could afford you..." Oh gosh, I'm just aglow. Okay, the market sucks and mag budgets are tight, half the time you don't even get a "thank you, but no thank you" letter/email/carrier pigeon. This email made my day.


Oh yeah...Music News

Aerosmith is doing a national tour with Cheap Trick. I kid you not, the 70's are officially back. Tour dates and other info can be found at www.cheaptrick.com

Listened to Hurry Up Offense's EP The labor Day EP
They're an irreverent, effervescent punk band that throws energy and good vibes through your speakers. They're along the lines of Green Day, but they're not derivative, they have their own sound, their own stance. Hearing them, you just want to dance. The singer may be moaning about a shitty event, but he sounds so damn happy (this sounds better than written, trust me) You need to have him singing more and more about his pain. This is so you can dance more and more. They'll be at the Luna Lounge in NYC 1/31 if you wanna catch their live show. Or check out their site to buy the CD or just look at them www.hurryupoffense.com